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Sep. 7th, 2010 | 08:02 pm

I have decided to get my GED. Now, to those of you that don't know, I am a high school drop out. Go figure right, druggie, drops out of school you are all probably thinking wow, dumb bitch. But, no I am actually pretty smart. I got good grades in school without even trying, all A's in fact. So, now you asking why drop out? Simply because I never showed up, which in turn means I didn't get my credits. I refused to re-take the classes I got A's in, and I rarely went anyway. So, me not going most of the time turned into me not going at all. One day I woke up decided not to go to school (again) and never went back. High school is a waste of time anyways. I mean does anyone really ever learn anything from high school? I bet if I were to go ask 100 people simple questions that any high schooler would know majority would fail. But unfortunately in our society people automatically assume you're a dumbass when they discover you never graduated. Plus, I want to start taking a few college courses. I actually like learning and I want to go somewhere with my life have a profession. I never thought in a million years I would hear myself say that, but I really do. I don't want to be totally dependent on Connor. And after everything I have been through, one valuable lesson I have learned is people can take everything away from you, but one thing nobody can, is your education.

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Sep. 1st, 2010 | 02:08 am
mood: annoyedannoyed

I have decided to start fresh with this blog. A do-over, you could say. I wasn't happy with what I had use this blog for before, to be honest I am kind of embarrassed by my pointless rambles I had on here before. Plus I have changed so much in the past year I just wouldn't be able to write anything knowing I was probably contradicting myself. I really want a place where I can vent, release all this anxiety and depression I have bottled up inside this frail frame. I was going to just delete everything and really start over on a clean slate but I decided I would regret that, I want an account of everything I have written thus far I just don't want it to show up on the page. So, I made all of my previous posts only viewable by me except for my poor attempts at writing. My posts from here on out will only be viewable by my friends since some of the content on here is very R rated, and I wouldn't want to spoil the minds of our youth more then I already have. And even though nobody is probably going to read this blog anyways, I just feel I would be able to be more open this way.

And everyone needs a place where they can just be themselves right?

It occurred to me I left something major out in my previous post. When I left I was struggling with anorexia and had been for years, but for reasons unknown it kind of just fell away. Not me being self-conscious about my body, just the obsession to loose weight. It's weird, I had always wanted to be thinner, and then even thinner. But, I looked in the mirror one day and it occurred to me I look disgusting, not that I'm fat but I am way to thin, I have no boobs and no ass. I am 20 years old with large A/barely B size boobs, and a flat ass. I look like a prepubescent teen in her awkward stage. It's so unattractive. I mean I'm 5' 8" and weigh 103 that is not right! That shouldn't be possible! So then I tried to gain weight I want womenly curves I want to feel sexy, dammit! But I can't my weight has not gone up at all some days it even goes down! Lifes a bitch right? When I wanted to loose weight I couldn't I would only gain. Now that I want to gain, I can only loose! I mean seriously? This is bullshit! Will I ever be happy with my body? Can I? It's crazy how my mind plays tricks on me. How for 19 years of my life all I ever wanted to be was smaller, and one day out of the blue, I realized what I was doing to myself and decided enough was enough. I am hungry, I look like a starving african child, I'm not happy this way, so why am I doing this to myself? I want to be able to take off my bra when I'm with Connor and not feel self conscious for my tiny tits, and be able to put on a damn pair of jeans that actually fit!

I know I sound like a whinny bitch, I mean I had so many failed attepts at recovery and as soon as I said fuck it! I give up! I suddenly got better, which I am so thankful for it's a huge burden off my chest and a huge dent in solving my anxiety. But still it's annoying how I still can't just be happy with my body!

Going to find my baby, since he hasn't come home yet.
Which is kind of worrying me, we have a rule that we always call if were out past midnight and it's 2 am.


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Aug. 31st, 2010 | 11:26 pm

Wow, I haven't been on in almost a year. So much has happened I don't even know where to start.
Well.. I guess the beginning is always a good place. I got out of rehab and went home to my parents. They took away all my contact to the outside world, because they were trying to help me not relapse by, "not" allowing me to contact my dealers. I'm fucking 19 (I was at the time, I'm 20 now), I felt like I was back in middle school grounded. It worked for a while, I was doing good I even got a job making money, even bought myself one of those go-phones. Then I got fired. Which means I was home all the time, since my parents had a strict watch on me, hell there paying the bills I have to listen to them right? WRONG! I went crazy, the sober mind is a dangerous one, I actually started realizing I was going no where in life, I am a 20 year old, recovering addict, high school drop out who is living with there parents, without even the freedom to go on a simple walk by myself. Needless to say, I relapsed, and I'm not talking about drank some fucking beer I'm talking about full blown relapse. The whole bit. Who am I kidding, I am a fuck up have been since I was 10 and had my first cigarette, and trust me if you lived in my shoes for 10 seconds you would be looking for the pipe and pills as well. It started with getting drunk, and popping a few xannax on day one of my relapse by day 3 I was scrounching up what cash I had saved up from my brief employment to buy heroin, meth, shrooms, bars, alcohol etc. you name it. I bought it. I took it. Not all at once of course (well, a lot of it at once, but not all). My parents no doubt noticed this and kicked my ass out, for good, hey at least they let me take my old car. I moved from friend to friend for a few months, but without a job that means no way for me to pay rent so I was never anywhere long. I ended up just living out of my car which I'm very proud of it's one of the only things I own to my name. Heroin became a necessity. Which means I needed to find a way of income, and what can a skinny junkie like me possibly do? Well, dance of course, I started out "dancing", then ended up working the streets after my shift talk about fast cash. Now, no lectures I know that this is probably the most degrading thing I have ever done but, I was in desperate need of money. And, I don't regret it because then I wouldn't of met Connor.

So, here I was sitting at the bus stop one day in the rain desperately needing a fix waiting to take the bus to my car which was parked in some abandoned parking garage (stopped driving unless I had to, gas is expensive), When Connor pulls up in a car, and takes pity on me. He pulls over and waves me over, thinking he wanted to invest in my uhh.. abilities? Okay there is no nice way to put it, thinking he wanted to screw, I was not in the mood, I made my cash for the day I just needed to get to my car to get my fix (I keep emergency stashes in glove box). But, he didn't pull away he yelled at me, "It's raining, you're probably cold and hungry, just get the car I'll buy you dinner and take you where you need to go, just get in, the next bus doesn't come for half an hour!" He was right, I got in shaking from the withdrawals and the cold. He noticed right away and knew exactly what was going on. He asked me "what's your fix?". I looked at him shocked and whispered "H". He pulls out a tiny piece of foil, and says "today is your lucky day miss... what's your name hunny ". I was amazed and thought I hit the fucking lottery, what are the odds a guy were to notice me and offer to give me a ride and give me a fix for free? In my life, that's unheard of. But, "emmy," I said grabbing for the foil, "well emmy, I'm connor" and that's how we met. All on pure luck. But, it gets better, once he found out I was living out of my car, he offered me to go to his place for the night. We even went to go pick up my car and he filled up the tank for me. Well that one night over turned into nights because I never left and he never asked me to. He's an artist and does well for himself, he teaches an art class 2 evenings a week and sells his art in local festivals and fairs and in a couple shops around town. He deals heroin on the side, to help make ends meet.

I don't deserve him, he is so good to me and has done so much for me. He got me off the streets and I don't have to work on the corner anymore or lack of cash at all. He got me back into art which is something I used to love but haven't touched in years. I never have to worry about nasty withdrawals anymore. All I have to do is help with the selling, and deliveries while he working. He is so kind and gentle everything I could ever ask for. 

Well this post is way to long I guess long story short is, I went from rock bottom to happier then I have been in years.
I want to start writing in here again, partly Connor's idea he says it's good for me to keep me sane.


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Nov. 10th, 2009 | 01:58 pm

I haven't been posting lately mostly because I went to Rehab for drugs and when I got out my internet and phone and everything was taken away for a while, I am sad to say I am not totally clean, but at least not an addict. I will hopefully get back to posting in the near future but I'm not sure where my life will lead me.


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Aug. 27th, 2009 | 12:50 am
mood: depresseddepressed

I know I haven't been on in a while... a lot has happened. I hit rock bottom. Well, where to begin...

It all started when I found out a friend of mine since elementary school passed away. I completely broke down. I was unable to eat to for a week, and self-medicated myself almost to death (literally) I took any mind altering substance I could get my hands on. Which led to my OD. Part of me thinks I just wasn't thinking about the outcome of all the things I was putting into body. But the other part of me thinks it might of been partly intentional. I wanted to die, I felt as if I was already dead, and I have for a while. But, the question is did I really go for it or was I just being stupid?

Anyways, I ended up being hospitalized for 3 days, as soon as I came to, I discharged myself, against the doctors wishes. That was a mistake, I crashed at friends house, and was so physically and emotionally drained, all I could do was cry until I passed out. Again, I couldn't bring myself to eat and got so weak I couldn't even sit up. She took me back to the hospital, where I stayed floating in and out of consciousness for a couple days. They wanted to send me to a IP facility. I refused. (It's not that I don't want to get better, it's just that I want to do it on my own time, my own way, when I'm ready) Well, I agreed to go to therapy, and get a nutritionist.

I'm kind of glad, obviously my way of doing things isn't working. So, I'm going to try and get a little help to lead me in the right direction and to get me back on track. I don't know how long I will be willing to accept outside help, so I'm going to take advantage of the opportunity while it lasts.


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Aug. 6th, 2009 | 01:53 pm
mood: fucked!

Self medication is under way.

Today's cocktail:
.4 of heroin
10 mg of xanax
1 gram of weed
5 shots of tequila
2 hits of acid

It's 5 o'clock somewhere.

Everyday I stop and wonder how I got to this point.

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Aug. 4th, 2009 | 11:15 pm

I've never been good at relationships so it's no surprise Alex and I are pretty much over. I don't really know if it is classified as a break up since like I said I've never been good at relationships, so I don't know if we were ever classified as "together". I mean we were defiantly dating, and he was the only person I was dating but we never really acknowledged each other as a couple. I don't know why it's bothering me so much, because especially towards the end there all he seemed to care about was himself but I really did care about him. I really tried to open up to him and let him in but I just couldn't bring myself to completely let him in yet, and he felt as if I was putting up a wall. I feel like I really screwed up something great, and can't help but feeling horrible about it. I don't know what to do now, or where we stand in each others lives, I really want to try and stay friends. I don't know if that will happen though. Only time will tell,


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Jul. 30th, 2009 | 02:59 pm
mood: pissed offpissed off

Well here is an update, got kicked out of the house, (hence why I’m staying at my friends shithole apartment with no electricity. Having to buy a cup of coffee from a local coffee shop just to use there internet to check my fucking e-mail.) Why you ask? Because my parents are fed up with my bullshit and providing for me. End of story.

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Jul. 22nd, 2009 | 10:45 am
mood: disappointeddisappointed

You guys may remember me talking about how my friend Alex offered me bars (xanax) and as a recovering addict from them I was very close to caving and taking them. Well, I caved. I'm back to where I started just almost 2 months ago. It got to where it was too much to handle. All I could think about was bars and all the people I knew where to get them from. I guess from an eating disorder perspective it was kind of good. For those couple days to not be completely focused on food. Anyways, My withdrawal seemed to get worse the more I thought about it, and my anxiety went through the roof. I couldn't even leave the house! So, I bought them, all 250 of them, plus more. After that I felt horrible about myself, absolutely horrible. I mean I was doing so well! Almost 2 months without them. On 7/25 would of been 2 months bar free. I didn't make it. I'm so angry and wanted to blame everyone else, my first bar dealer, every bar dealer after that, my family for never noticing, my friends for never doing anything about it, the drug itself and most of Alex. But, then it occurred to me it was no one elses fault but my own. I did this to myself. I'm the one that bought them, I'm the one that let it escalate to dependency in the first place, I'm the one that never asked for help. I can't blame anyone but myself.

Taking them made me feel bad about myself, so what did I do to solve this? The same thing I always do. Take everything I can get my hands on to make the feeling go away. Which led to some trouble. You see my friends to the outside eye may seem like a "bad influence" but what people don't understand is I'm worse of an influence then them. And they are always there to pull me back in out of the clouds when I get a little to crazy and pick me up when I have fallen so low I think no one can help me. Well anyways, I stole a car and picked up a few friends of mine, I let this guy Cameron drive since I was a little to messed up. But, he went crazyy we went off road, and backwards on the fucking highway! We got into a race with a friend of ours we happened to pass. We were asking to be pulled over, to get caught. And to our surprise we weren't? We had 6 close calls with cops, yes we counted. and never got caught? wtf? Shows how lazy Austin cops are... But anyways we went to this nearby park, and just got even more messed up. And did even more crazy shit I'm not even going to get into. But, It was insane, and sooo much fun!

But, on an eating disorder related note, I have been trying really hard. But, after this whole bar mess I haven't been able to get myself to eat much. It's very discouraging, I feel I have failed myself multiple times this week. I never did tell that friend of mine about my ED. And, I really do want to get rid of my scale, but I can't bring myself too...I feel so weak


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Jul. 20th, 2009 | 12:54 am

I caved, bought the bars,
back to where I started.
End of fucking story.

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